ShopOnly Meant Well
Alex has taken care of something for Nora. Something she has been thinking about for days. He believes he did her a favor. Nora sees it differently.
Both were there. Both know the facts. And still they did not live through the same story.
Which point of view would you like to start with?
Read both sides? Further down it is about yours.
“I would have done that myself.”
It was Tuesday, just after four, when Nora got the message.
Talked to Mr. Weber. It's handled.
She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. Three seconds later her phone rang. Alex.
“Hey,” he said. “Did you see my message?”
“Yes.”
“Good. He said Friday is fine too. So you don't have to stress any more.”
Nora looked at the cars passing her.
“You talked to Mr. Weber?”
“Yes. No problem at all.”
“About my presentation?”
“Yes.”
“Without asking me?”
It went quiet at the other end for a moment.
“Nora, you said yesterday you were behind with everything.”
“I did.”
“And that you didn't know how to get it done by Thursday.”
“I said that too.”
“So I asked whether you could have one more day.”
Nora closed her eyes. She knew Alex meant well. Somehow that made it worse.
“I wanted to sort that out myself.”
“But you hadn't done anything.”
“Because I was still thinking about how I wanted to do it.”
“Now you don't have to think any more.”
“Alex.”
He said nothing.
“This isn't about Friday.”
“Then what?”
Nora pressed the phone closer to her ear. She would have liked to give him an answer that explained everything. One that made him understand at once why she was so annoyed. But she could not find one.
“You could have just asked me.”
“I thought you'd be pleased.”
“Yes,” Nora said quietly. “I suppose you did.”
They ended the call shortly after. No argument. No making up.
When Nora got home, the presentation was still lying unfinished on her desk. She now had one more day. And the feeling that someone had taken a decision off her hands that she had wanted to make herself.
“I thought it would help you.”
Alex had not planned to make anything big of it.
He had run into Mr. Weber at school on Tuesday. Alex had spoken to him before he could think about it much.
The evening before, Nora had talked about her presentation for almost an hour. About the last few days being too full. About having taken on too much. About not knowing where to start.
Alex had listened. At least he had thought so.
When Mr. Weber said Friday would be fine too, Alex had felt relieved. One thing less, he thought.
He had texted Nora straight away.
Talked to Mr. Weber. It's handled.
No reply came. So he called.
After two minutes he knew something had gone wrong.
“You could have just asked me,” Nora said.
Alex understood the sentence. Of course he did. He just did not understand why it was so bad.
He had not taken anything from her. He had not decided anything that harmed her. He had only asked whether she could have more time. And the answer had been yes.
After they hung up, he sat down on the low wall next to the bike racks. He looked at his phone. Then at the message he had sent her.
It's handled.
Maybe that was exactly the point. For him, something was handled. For Nora, he had settled something that had never been his to settle.
Alex put the phone away. He wanted to write that he was sorry. But that would have been too easy.
Because part of him still thought he had helped her. And another part was beginning to understand why that might not be enough.
Both wanted something good. Still, something went wrong.
Alex wanted to take a load off Nora.
Nora wanted to decide for herself how to handle her situation.
He saw the problem and looked for a solution.
She had told him about her problem, but had not asked him to solve it.
Can help go too far, even when it is well meant?
You are in Alex's place. A good friend tells you he is completely overwhelmed by something. You know someone who could help. A short conversation would probably be enough. What do you do?
AI ask first whether my friend wants me to take care of it.
You want to help without taking the decision away from your friend. But maybe asking costs time. And maybe he does not even want to admit he needs help.
BI help straight away. If it solves the problem, my friend will surely be glad.
You act fast and mean well. But even a helpful solution can feel wrong to the other person if they were not allowed to decide about it themselves.
CI listen first and ask whether my friend is even looking for a solution.
You try to understand first what your friend needs. Sometimes listening is exactly right. Sometimes, though, someone wishes you would do something of your own accord.
And now?
Nora has more time for her presentation. Alex has understood that helping and deciding are not the same thing. But the conversation between the two is not over yet.
What should Alex say to Nora next? And what could Nora explain to him so he really understands why she was annoyed?
You do not have to answer that. Maybe you think of one anyway.
More from Nora and Alex
The two have known each other for years. They trust each other, argue with each other and sometimes only realize afterwards what they actually meant to say.